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2.18.2017

Standing Rock update: I'm experiencing less sheer Terror for the last two days than the day or so prior. There are many times the last 15 years.......

Standing Rock update: I'm experiencing less sheer Terror for the last two days than the day or so prior. There are many times the last 15 years when I have been in terrifying situations but not nearly so terrifying is this. The prospect of five to ten years in a Savage military prison system.

Why less terrifying? Yes, the material situation becomes more terrifying each day. The police and military come closer, the 22nd comes closer, now they're blockading certain materials a harbinger of blockading food and water.

I have learned many ways of dealing with such Terror all of which has been failing me up until 2 days ago. But yesterday morning one that I have not used before popped into my mind. By the way, when I awaken is the most terrifying time. Whatever mental perspective had given me some peace of mind the day before is not there when I wake up in the morning. Just the sheer physical existential Terror.

What popped into my mind mercifully as it turns out yesterday morning was something that Gandhi asserted and lived, non-cooperation with evil is a duty, and the United States of America government at virtually all levels and forms is consummate evil.

I have no idea how long that thought will be helpful to me but it continues to be helpful.

This morning when I woke up I needed even more help and it occurred to me to do what I have often done in the past but not for a long time, to attempt to summon to the man Jesus, king, Gandhi, Mandela, and to try and imagine what they would think about me being here planning to stay until I am put in prison rather than to cooperate with Injustice.

Welcome to the club, is essentially what I experienced. It was not jovial, it was not congratulatory, it was very matter-of-fact but very clear, so far, anyway. And comforting. I'm surely clear that being with them Is more important to me than anything else I can think of including avoiding 5 to 10 years of torture.

The sense I get from the man Jesus is, where do you think I'd be? The implied answer being, standing at Standing Rock waiting to be crucified by the state. Yes, there were years when he avoided doing that but it finally came time to stand and let the state show what it was made of, pure evil. That's how it is looking for me.

An added benefit, an added help, came later. the focus of my life in recent years has been the children and people of Palestine, particularly Gaza, and their Moment by moment torment by the state machine. They have not been on my mind in recent months. I've been preoccupied with things here and with my own selfish Terror. But today I've been brought a little additional peace by realizing that much more than ever before I now stand with people like this, live in actual solidarity with these earlier victims of American state Terror. And that feels right to me. I'm sure you can imagine.

I have zero hope for any of us in the future. I have written this but it continues to be the fact, and that I can still function at all amazes me. But I can. I would never have known that standing with what my soul tells me is right with no hope of helping anyone by doing so, I would never have known that I could function on just that. It seems that I can.

Envy is what I feel so often when I notice someone my age dies in their sleep. How merciful that would be. No, not by my hands. Why? I don't know. But it is not my inclination. I expect I'll serve out my sentence willingly. The Green Mile.

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